David Portney is one of these men I really respect. He has been in the background of a lot of movements about developing confidence in guys and helping them master approaching. Yet he also happens to be very modest and not get exposed to the spotlight. So I am quite excited to have him here for this exclusive interview where he reveal a TON of goodies on confidence, approaching and the community in general.
Nirvanos Deco says: Now David. Thanks for Being here. I consider you one of the top authorities when it comes to building confidence in men, as well as defeating shyness. The interesting thing is you’re not very known in this “pick up artists” and “seduction community” world. But that’s a shame, because those guys could learn so much good stuff from you.
Nirvanos Deco says: Now… I’ve heard some really really interesting opinions from you about where society has gone, and how the rules of the game have changed.
Can you tell us more about that, and how you see it affecting men and dating?
David Portney says: Thanks for having me, and thanks for your kind words - you’re right that I don’t consider myself as part of the “seduction community” because I don’t teach seduction per se.
And yes, things have changed over the years. The women’s liberation movement, while overall a positive thing, has created an over-generalization that “men and women are equal” - or even the same - and we’re just not. Our brains work differently, we want different things from each other, and we behave very differently. Things, at least here in the U.S., have become twisted and gender roles are not well defined….
Women now want to have a career, kids, community, time to themselves - something has to give, no one can do all those things and do them well. And, women don’t know how to give guys “signals” of interest, they expect guys to just be bold, just be confident, and just come over here and approach me.
Nirvanos Deco says: Some guys will argue there is nothing wrong with that “you’re supposed to approach without signals anyway”.
David Portney says: In fact, I’m one of those guys I say approach no matter what. Guys - ignore the crap in your head, and just
approach. Don’t wait for signals because 1. she probably won’t send you any and 2. you probably won’t recognize it if she did!
Nirvanos Deco says: True. There were some studies that showed that men miss as much as 77% of all signals sent by women. And by “signals” they defined as such those where the woman thought she was being “obvious” and “too forward”
David Portney says: True - we are very different, we guys. We miss the subtle signals women give, and the women think they’re being obvious!
Nirvanos Deco says: Yeah.
David Portney says: Sometimes I’m amazed guy and gals get together at all!
Nirvanos Deco says: [laughs]
Nirvanos Deco says: Now let’s get this up to where it matters for a lot of our readers. See, you tend to focus more on a healthier type of (some would say more “mainstream) approach to dating. What are some of the main problems you see coming from the “pick up” and “seduction” focused types of communites.
David Portney says: The “pick up” and “seduction” groups are doing 2 things: 1. they promise the “magic bullet” solution that we all want, and 2. it give guys the “solution focus” which matches our mentality.
First, there is no magic bullet, but that’s what we want. We want to get rich quick. We want weight loss in a pill. And, we want perfect pick
up lines and seduction techniques..
Second, when guys encounter a problem, we respond with our natural “fix it” mentality - so the problem is: “how to approach / pick up / seduce women” so we want a solution to the problem. The pick up and seduction people offer the magic bullet, and they offer the solution-based mentality - “here’s the answer to your problem, just do this” but I think my approach is more holistic: with my approach, guys will find that they’re more in control of many parts of their lives, not just able to “pick up chicks”. My strategies get guys out of the passenger seat and put guys in the driver’s seat of their life. In other words, it’s not about a “simple solution” but a complete revamping and reorganizing of a guy’s internal reality which produces a better person all around, and not just a pick up / seduction machine with canned lines and canned approaches and canned techniques. Also, I teach guys how to discover what they WON’T put up with and DON’T want in women so that they don’t just get led around by their crotches, turn into wimpy wussies, or have their dreams killed.
Nirvanos Deco says: Yes, You’re right, and it’s funny how a lot of these seduction type “gurus” tend to say “well you have to sell to the quick-fix mentality and offer the magic bullet first”… then you can tell them about the real work. The reason why I respect you. Is that you never made that rationalization. You tell people up-front about the work involved in this.
David Portney says: I’d be a lot more popular if I said I was offering the quick fix magic bullet, I’m sure!
Nirvanos Deco says: In fact, your work is very “work-based”. In the sense that you offer *practical* steps to *do*, in order to get a certain attribute (say confidence). Not quasi-scientific theories on attraction, or magic lines or pre-prepared dialogues that swoon women over.
David Portney says: That’s right. And I call it an “inside-out” approach: that means it’s not enough to just go out and jump into the deep end of the pool and try to “sink or swim” so when it comes to going out into the real world, I start guys off really slow with that with easy to accomplish tasks. But before we even get to that, we do the inside work, we “tune up the car” before we take it on the road. So, in my book Super Confidence With Women in part 2, that’s where we work on the limiting beliefs, the conflicting values, the negative emotions, and the other “internal stuff” that needs transforming before we “hit the road”. And yes, there are no magic lines, and all the “law of attraction” stuff… don’t even get me started with sitting around visualizing, but never taking action! Tell that to Bill Gates, Thomas Edison, Tiger Woods, or your local plumber for that matter! Visualizing clearly what you want is great, but you’ve got to make the “rubber hit the road” if you want to get anywhere in life.
Nirvanos Deco says: Yeah, obviously your book is very tightly based on progressive conditioning aspects. In fact, it’s probably one of the few products that even talk about it. Yet, it has been found to be the most efficient way of changing a personality or installing attributes… However…
There is a problem that could be found with progressive conditioning. Some take it too far. In other words. They turn their lives into always doing “missions”, to increase their confidence. Trying the harder and harder approach. What do you think would be a balanced approach? How much should a guy focus on “progressive conditioning confidence”, and how much should he just lay back… and focus on building a social life or improving his other areas?
David Portney says: In my experience and the experience of guys I’ve worked with, there’s a turning point where you realize that all the crap in your head is just that, and that no one cares about what’s in your head. In other words, you’re out there doing tasks, doing missions, and something clicks: I believe the structure of that transformation is when it goes from something you know in your head, to something you know in your gut. Guys will look me in the eye and say “I know I SHOULDN’T be afraid to approach women, I know I shouldn’t be nervous, it’s stupid” and often these guys are not afraid to jump out of an airplane into battle or step into the fighting ring, but approach a woman…??! Yikes! True fear and panic sets in. So the progressive conditioning is “enough” when you have that “click” experience when you really get it, in your gut, that no one really cares what’s in your head, and you’re not even on their radar screen.
Nirvanos Deco says: Yeah. Good Answer. So it’s about, getting to the turning point.
David Portney says: At the same time, it’s also valuable to think of confidence with women as a “thing you get” or a finish line you cross. I like to think of it like guitar strings - you might want to tune them up every once in a while. So while you may have had the turning point, the “click” that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tune up out there, and it doesn’t mean you can’t do some more inner work too - sometimes a new deeper layer of negative beliefs become uncovered, or you just need a little tweaking / tuning.
Nirvanos Deco says: Now a beautiful part about how you go about teaching this is that you don’t just leave it at the “outside stuff”. In other words, you don’t just take up approaching and break it down the smallest components, giving guys a map of how to step-by-step get to approaching mastery.
You also give some NLP-type exercises that get into making it much, much easier for guys.
Now, there’s another balancing problem here. Just as there are guys taking the “outside actions” part too far: There are guys taking the NLP part too far. They stay at home visualizing making the perfect approaching, and re-framing beliefs and doing magical circle exercises for 4 hours a day. Yet they don’t go out and try approach women with that new re-framed belief or added confidence at all. So they can get stuck in the “NLP extreme” of the pendulum.
How do you think one can find the balance? Where and how much does NLP come into the equation?
David Portney says: Defining the balance point between doing too much inner work and too much outer work has to do with hitting the target you set out to hit. If you do inner work and find that when you’re out in the world you respond in ways that you like more than your previous ways of being, that’s a good indication. Also, it’s worth mentioning that while I do advocate a blend and balance of inner and outer work, it’s also true that some guys will respond more to “physical” activities, while other guys respond more to “mental” tasks. I pretty much insist that guys do both, and not just what they like better or find more comfortable because often the “lesser liked” “less comfortable” things are exactly where the most personal development and transformation will come from.
Also, you’ll notice that I do not mention the term “NLP” anywhere in my book or other products. I have injected a lot of what I’ve learned from NLP for sure, but I’ve also learned a lot from business, Martial Arts, and other life endeavors that directly relate to getting the results guys want to get when it comes to increasing confidence, meeting women, etc.
Nirvanos Deco says: Sure.
So, there are differences and some guys need more or less of one or the other, but the rule of thumb is “if you’re only doing one, you’re probably just avoiding the thing you need to do”?
David Portney says: Generally speaking, yes: most people don’t consciously choose the “harder path” - most people take the path of least resistance.
Nirvanos Deco says: Now, obviously your main focus is on building confidence, but you do have a ton of tips and excellent knowledge about the actual dating strategies too. What are some of the main mistakes you see guys doing, and more specifically, some of the “wannabe pickup artists”
David Portney says: I’m glad you asked that. As I mentioned, pick up and seduction strategies tend to promise “magic bullet solutions”, and they overpromise in my opinion. At the same time, I’m not going to say that it’s all bad stuff and no one should learn it. The “danger” to me is when pick up and seduction stuff becomes a security blanket. It’s also not so good if guys get sucked into believing all they have to do is take a pill or deliver a pick up line in a hypnotic voice, and then sit back and get pounced on. Techniques don’t work on every woman every time the same way, and if a guy is using this stuff as a cover for their insecurity and lack of confidence, so what if it does work?-they get the girl, but they’re still insecure, still are emotionally conflicted, have negative emotions and beliefs clouding things up. Hey, guys want sex, and some would argue that whatever it takes to get laid is cool, but at the same time, you have to live with yourself and the consequences of your actions, and you might find yourself in over your head unless you clear up stuff that needs clearing up. You may get laid, but you may also get much more than you bargained for too.
Nirvanos Deco says: So what is your solution? What would you teach guys about improving the dating success? Obviously you concentrate on the most important aspect of all, confidence. And if you get that one, a lot of things come into place…
… but obviously, there are still some thing guys could do to further increase the chances. What do you think are the top things guys should know, once they get superb confidence.
David Portney says: Well, we might have to define “dating success” first, but before we do I will say that I’m a huge fan of deciding what you DON’T want and will NOT put up with women. Not only does this give you an added layer of confidence, but you also are not coming from a “I wonder if she’ll let me get in her pants” “I wonder if I’m good enough” mentality when you are dating. So what IS dating success?? getting laid? Starting a relationship?
Nirvanos Deco says: Sure. That’s a great point. Knowing what you want is in itself a boost to confidence, but it will change up what you do as well. Let’s go with what most “newbies” in this area do, they set the goal of “I just want to get laid with as many women as possible”
What would you advise to that kind of a person once they do the full “super confidence with women” and get that confidence?
David Portney says: If we’re talking about getting laid, then stacking the deck in your favor is always a good idea; stir her emotions up with your dating activity (take her to a chick flick, on a roller coaster ride where she’ll hang onto you, etc.) and steer the conversation into areas that will create affinity and have her associate states of liking and attraction to you. Also, like sales in business, it’s a numbers game to a certain extent. And…
…as for the guy who has the full “super confidence with women” it’s up to him where he goes; he could just do the playboy get-laid thing if he wants, or he can go out looking for a relationship, or whatever he wants to do.
Nirvanos Deco says: Sure.
Ok, so you have some awesome resources about getting this stuff handled. You have a super-informative blog, a very value-packed newsletter, and obviously that book and course.
Could you tell us a bit about these and where guys could go to check these out?
David Portney says: Glad to: first, guys should get and use my book “Super Confidence With Women” (ConfidenceNow.com) because there they’ll find the info and resources and techniques to get clear about what this whole confidence / seduction / pick up stuff is really all about, clear out the crap that stops them from being confident and approaching women, and they get the tools to make the transformation to any level of confidence they desire.
If they want to turn up the heat or jump straight into the “deep end of the pool” and be extremely challenged, then they can move on to or start with my audio program “How to Approach Any Woman With Complete Confidence” but that is a challenging program, not only with the “outside world” tasks, but also in challenging the crap that stops you. Finally, I cannot highly enough recommend my software program “ProfileHer” (ProfileHer.com) for any guy at any level because it allows a guy to input 4 simple pieces of information about a woman and at the push of a button get a detailed personality profile about her that is highly accurate, as well as recommendations for dates she’ll respond positively to.
Nirvanos Deco says: Awesome man. Thanks for dropping that ton of value on our readers. It has been a ton of fun.